Every year, I travel to Korea to see my mom. A year after my hubby and I got married, my mom was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer, and had a surgery, but it came back 2 years ago and had metastasized. 

While I was in 35 or some weeks pregnant with Logan, I heard from my sister that mom's condition suddenly worsened and was admitted. I saw her 10 weeks before that and she was so vibrant and healthy that I just couldnt believe that she only had a month to live, a couple of months at best.  I was not allowed to fly at that poi t so i even thought of possibility that mom not being able to see Logan. Miraculously, her new chemo drugs worked and she was able to come home. 

And then in the first week of July, she was transferred back to the hospital in an ambulance. This happened merely 5 days after we had a basically totally normal conversation online about Logan and possible move cross country, etc.

So as soon as my husband's parents left after a (unexpectedly) long stay, and Logan got the second round of vaccination, we flew here. On the day we arrived, I hardly recognized her. I wasn't even sure she could recognize me. When she took a look at me, Logan and my husband, she quickly turned her head away. My dad was with her and he was trying to feed her some porridge and she was refusing it because she was in pain. 

The hospital didnt want to discharge her because she was admitted on a favor from one of my uncles who knew someone on the board. So the doctor was reluctant even to tell us that there was nothing he could do. Finally when we consulted with pallative care department, they helped us talk to the doctors and arranged her to come home for the weekend before we can secure a spot at the Catholic hospice care near home, which happened to be the best in the country.  We were lucky to have a spot open for her right away but she still had to wait until Monday. So Saturday and Sunday, she was with us at home.

At first, she was in a better mood and she even recognized Logan and chuckled for a second. Then she quickly looked away and looked out of it. She kept repeating this process of going in and out of consciousness even when she was awake. Sunday night before we transferred her to the hospice was the worst. She refused to eat or drink for 2 days so she was tired but couldnt even tell us where the pain was. she was wearing a pain killer patch but she refused to take the extra ones we offered her. We just had to hold her hands and hope that the morning comes soon. 

We are now taking day by day, watching her condition closely. Things are constantly changing--our emotions, her condition... Husband went home for work and the doggies but will have to fly back this weekend because the doc said it was time. 

Sigh.